kickassDC

Visitors are welcomed daily at the metro-accessible Franciscan Monastery to tour DC’s catacombs and crypt. In addition to the catacombs – replicated after those in Rome – the grounds have many beautiful gardens to explore.

A very Russian restaurant featuring infused vodka, ambiance for days, and – for better or worse – live accordion playing.

Ever wanted to rent a huge mansion in the middle of D.C.? This is your place.

Rusty is the biggest badass in America.

Things that Rusty has done, in no particular order:

• Escaped the zoo and explored Adams Morgan for days while the Smithsonian begged people on Twitter to find him
• Gone on “sex vacation” to impregnate another red panda
• Been absolutely adorable

You can visit him at the D.C. Zoo, where he appears to spend most of his time eating and trying to escape.

Cringe from the corniness as you get blitzed on a fake pirate ship sailing around the Potomac.

Relive your childhood without the trauma with a fun scavenger hunt in a D.C. museum or other public location. “Adults-only” scavenger hunts apparently exist.

The Supreme Court has a basketball court. Good luck starting a pick-up game… or even getting in.

Overwhelmingly, ostentatiously, and messily designed in every way, this place takes gaudy Americana to a degree never before seen by human eyes. Themed rooms and secret passages abound. The dining scene here is a lot older, so it’s worth a look, but maybe not a night.

An insanely ornate French lounge with occasional burlesque shows. The food and drink here aren’t worth the effort, but the ambiance is. The usual crowd here is unbearable, so try to go on a slow night.

Washington, D.C.’s best (and only) cat cafe. Drink coffee, eat sweets, and try to make cats tolerate your presence. All cats can be adopted. Reservations are required.